Monday Smiles: Clean Humor

Art Appreciation

2012-02-20T00:30:00.000-05:00

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Has it been raining?

2012-02-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up."

With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep. (from Daily Humor)

A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts

2012-02-08T05:03:00.000-05:00

Ladies, with the Valentines Day coming, this is going to be a big help in selecting that special gift for the man in your life!

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

A Woman's Dictionary

2012-02-06T00:30:00.000-05:00

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
--------------------------
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bee*q) n.
------------------------
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Blonde Jokes (blond joks) n.
----------------------------
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
---------------------------
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes Dryer (cloze dri*yer) n.
--------------------------------
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
--------------------------
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
--------------------------
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
-----------------------
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
----------------------------------
What you spend a half hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
------------------------------
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
---------------------------------
Similar to a black hole in space---if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
-------------------------------------
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
----------------------------------------------
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Give the gift of wisdom. For His Glory: a Kaleidoscopic of Wisdom is on Sale Now!

The Diet

2012-02-02T19:07:00.000-05:00

Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6." (From email)

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

2012-01-30T07:47:00.000-05:00

I'll admit, this one in various forms has been in the email circuit for awhile but it is cute. Enjoy. JIM

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

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December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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I Need a Raise!

2012-01-24T06:53:00.002-05:00

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.

"See what I mean?" the coach said, scratching his head. "He could have phoned!"

(From Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List)

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Late for Sunday School

2012-01-22T23:50:00.001-05:00

We are a ministry of Net 153

The little boy was late for Sunday school and the superintendent, seeing him slip in, detained him and asked him the reason. The boy shuffled his feet uncertainly for a moment, then blurted out, "I started out to go fishing instead, but my dad wouldn't let me."

The superintendent beamed broadly. "A wise father," he said. "He was quite right not to let you go fishing on a Sunday. Did he explain why?"

The little boy nodded. "Oh, yes sir. He said there wasn't enough bait for the two of us."

ON SALE!
For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom is a collection of meaningful and powerful reflections from real life experiences coupled with practical biblical wisdom. Going beyond the normal inspirational book, For His Glory unveils a kaleidoscope of commonsense precepts that challenges the reader to discover the wonders of living for God's glory. Eye-opening, life changing and easy to understand, For His Glory will enrich your life.

Invite Her to Dinner

2012-01-21T07:33:00.000-05:00

A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

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Donuts, Dieting, and the Lord

2012-01-16T06:26:00.000-05:00

A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on a diet. One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for donuts every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself, he changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As the weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving compliments from his friends and co-workers.

Then one morning without thinking, he accidently turned onto the road which would take him by the donut shop. At first he was going to turn around but then he thought to himself, "maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts". So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly in front of the shop.

And sure enough, on the fifth time around the block there was an open spot right up front.

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How would you diagnose

2012-01-13T19:07:00.000-05:00

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Used With Permission copyright Bible Gateway

Part of Net 153!

Atheist Encounter

2012-01-11T06:32:00.000-05:00

Letters to the Pastor

2012-01-10T07:23:00.000-05:00

If you are looking for honesty, you need only look to a child. You will smile at these letters to the Pastor.

Letters to the Pastor

Dear Pastor,

Monday's Smile is part of Net 153!

I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold.
Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.
Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert, Age 11,

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about my allowance?
Love, Patty.
Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love,
Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.
Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely,
Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

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A Woman's Reasoning

2012-01-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

A ministry of Net 153

I suppose there is some sense to this kind of reasoning; but I have not found it!

A woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."

Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."

For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom.
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20 New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

2011-12-31T06:46:00.000-05:00

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

On the serious side
We do hope that you will resolve to make For His Glory one of the books you read in the new year.

So You Got A Fruitcake for Christmas???

2011-12-26T01:02:00.001-05:00

Meet Toby & April in Jim's
Book For His Glory!

Top Ten Uses For Fruitcake
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.

Here is a New Year's resolution that will change your life. Read though the Bible this year. Need help staying on target? Join Reading Through The Bible in 2012 and find the encouragement and tools to stay on target. Find out more by clicking here.

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like

2011-12-25T05:53:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

Editor's Note: I have added a couple of more:

Now that's a gift to end all gifts!

You really shoudn't have...

Monday Smile is part of the ministry of Net 153 Publications. We invite you to visit us for unlifting, wholesome, Christian material.

Coolest Christmas

2011-12-24T00:43:00.002-05:00

Are You a Grinch? Quiz

2011-12-23T06:28:00.000-05:00

Are You a Grinch? Quiz

Use this little quiz at your Christmas party, or in your Sunday School class.

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
(5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.
(5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.
(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
(1 point for each piece of sticky candy)
If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.
(5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
(5 points, 10 if from a cell phone)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.
(5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own .
(Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.
(5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no.
(20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Now Available!
For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom is a collection of meaningful and powerful reflections from real life experiences coupled with practical biblical wisdom. Going beyond the normal inspirational book, For His Glory unveils a kaleidoscope of commonsense precepts that challenges the reader to discover the wonders of living for God's glory. Eye-opening, life changing and easy to understand, For His Glory will enrich your life.

The Night Before Christmas - Cartoon

2011-12-22T05:53:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

What I learned from Santa

2011-12-21T00:09:00.010-05:00

What I learned from Santa

Encourage people to believe in you.

Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

Don't pout.

It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.

Make your presents known.

Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

Bright red can make anyone look good.

Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO!"

Enter Net 153's Giveaway!! A copy of For His Glory will be given away every week until 1/6/2012! Check it out!

We Dare You! Take the challenge and join with us and others in reading through the Bible in 2012! Commit to the challenge and join us by clicking here.

The Rebuttal to Santa is a She...from a man's point of view.

2011-12-19T00:49:00.005-05:00

And Now The Rebuttal to Santa is a She
- Contributions by Kreme & Wefish

THE WOMAN SAID:
I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it...
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

THE MAN'S REBUTTAL:
And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don't think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that Mr. Claus is a man.

THE WOMAN SAID:
And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

THE MAN'S REBUTTAL:
Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.

THE WOMAN SAID:
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

THE MAN'S REBUTTAL:
When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit? The fact Santa can ignore "fashion" and wear the same suit for 500 years proves he couldn't possibly be a woman.

THE WOMAN SAID:
- Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)

THE MAN'S REBUTTAL:
And when was the last time Santa answered a letter? Like, never.

THE WOMAN SAID:
- Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's wearing them.

THE MAN'S REBUTTAL:
And women aren't interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.

THE WOMAN SAID:
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up babes.

THE MAN'S REBUTTAL:
As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble with babes. It's amazing how grateful a woman is when you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.

THE WOMAN SAID:
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment

THE MAN'S REBUTTAL:
And also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot infested chimneys. You think a woman would go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the
same day each year.

With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she'd have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving each house. Let's face it, Santa Claus is, and always has been, a guy.

A woman's point of view: Santa is a SHE!

2011-12-18T00:01:00.002-05:00

Santa Claus is a woman....from a woman's point of view

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they --with amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Tomorrow the Rebuttal...from a man's point of view!

You need to order today to get For His Glory before Christmas!

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THREE GIFTS FROM THREE SONS:

2011-12-17T03:16:00.001-05:00

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”

“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious!”

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POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS GREETING:

2011-12-16T03:06:00.005-05:00

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wish(es).

Editor's Note: Have a Merry Christmas!

Order For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom today to have it for Christmas.

PRAY LOUD THIS CHRISTMAS:

2011-12-15T23:54:00.001-05:00

As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs.

He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!!

"You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf."

"I know" said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

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Is the season for MR CHEAPSKATE:

2011-12-15T06:29:00.001-05:00

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Bill thought it would be nice to return home with a Christmas gift for his wife. So he went to the mall to do a little shopping.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Bill, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Bill grunted.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Bill grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Bad Day

2011-12-11T16:32:00.001-05:00

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 322-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

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Last Days???

2011-12-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

Editor's Note: Forgive me but I cannot help by sermonize this joke. It appears to me that a lot of people are their own cause for living in the last days of their life.

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Boots? One Size Fits All???

2011-12-07T05:28:00.000-05:00

The nursery school teacher had spent half an hour dressing her charges for outdoor playtime, pulling on boots, zipping and unbuttoning coats, matching mittens and gloves. As she finished struggling with Jennifer's boots, she let out a sigh of relief. Then Jennifer tugged on her arm. "These boots aren't mine, teacher."

With a groan the teacher knelt down and pulled off the boots. "Do you know whose boots these are, Jennifer?"

"Sure. They're my sister's. Mom makes me wear them anyway."

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For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom

For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom is a collection of meaningful and powerful reflections from real life experiences coupled with practical biblical wisdom. Going beyond the normal inspirational book, For His Glory unveils a kaleidoscope of commonsense precepts that challenges the reader to discover the wonders of living for God's glory. Eye-opening, life changing and easy to understand, For His Glory will enrich your life. Check it out!

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Young vs Old Man in Golf

2011-12-05T01:30:00.001-05:00

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Pastor Jim's Thought
There is a moral to this little story and it goes something like this: Get the whole story and all the facts before you let pride cause you to take on a challenge.

On the Subject of Lying

2011-11-27T18:03:00.004-05:00

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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And Dad Said...

2011-11-23T05:55:00.000-05:00

Dad! How many times have you said?

Don't ask me, ask your mother.
Were you raised in a barn?
Close the door.
You didn't beat me. I let you win.
Big boys don't cry.
Don't worry. It's only blood.
Don't you know any normal boys?
Now you listen to ME, Buster!
I'll play catch after I read the paper.
Coffee will stunt your growth.
A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off.
Get your elbows off the table.
I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
Who said life was supposed to be fair.
Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more.
If you forget, you'll be grounded till the end of the world.
You call that a haircut?
"Hey" is for horses.
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
Turn off those lights.
Do you think I am made of money?
Don't give me any of your lip, young lady.
You call that noise "music"?
We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.
No, we're not there yet.
Shake it off. It's only pain.
When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, you' ll live by my rules.
I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why.
Do what I say, not what I do.
Sit up straight!
So you think you're smart, do you?
What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
C'mon, you throw like a girl.
You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.
You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
This is your last warning.
Your mother worries.
I'm not sleeping,
I was watching that channel.
What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!
Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don't you understand?
I don't care what other people are doing!
I'm not everybody elses father!
You're not leaving my house dressed like that!
What will other parents think?
Could those sleeves be any longer?
You look like a bag lady!
Hurt much? I didn't feel a thing.
I feel for you, but I can't reach you from here.
If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.
You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along.
Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
You know you're always gonna be Daddy's little girl.
I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes.
Don't use that tone with me!
Am I talking to a brick wall?
If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
Act your age.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
Wipe your feet!
Enough is enough!
Don't make me stop the car!
What did I just get finished telling you?

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Wow! What a Pitcher!

2011-11-20T06:51:00.009-05:00

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

Source: from another humor list (The Funnies)

Coming Soon! For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom! A new inspirational book by Pastor Jim is soon to be released.

Government Instructions

2011-11-19T06:38:00.001-05:00

Government Instructions:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceptible and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

In other words, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Coming Soon! For His Glory: A Kaleidoscope of Wisdom! A new inspirational book by Jim is soon to be released.

The Blind Man's Dog

2011-11-13T08:17:00.001-05:00

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

Dinner?

2011-11-09T15:30:00.001-05:00

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

Critics’ Day in Heaven

2011-11-06T11:13:00.001-05:00

It was Critics’ Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats.

On the floor today was Moses’ parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians.

First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across.

Peter objected to this, claiming Noah’s method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea.

Elijah objected, calling Peter’s method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea.

Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians.

Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too.

Daniel remarked that Elijah’s method wasn’t cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument.

Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians.

They all stared at him in awe.

The day after a verdict

2011-11-03T07:31:00.000-04:00

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushes to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened.

"I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

"What new evidence could you have?"

"I've learned that my client has $10,000 that I didn't know about."

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

2011-11-01T05:10:00.001-04:00

You ski uphill.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
People get dizzy just watching you.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

One Smart Toby (dachshund)

2011-10-31T07:51:00.000-04:00

One Smart Toby (dachshund)

(Editor's Note: Toby being the name of our dachshund)

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

HOW THE INTERNET BEGAN

2011-10-11T06:38:00.000-04:00

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

Thanks to Bev for sending us this!

The High Cost of Computer Repair

2011-09-18T09:28:00.000-04:00

Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used.

"My sons," was the reply. "They both have degrees in Computer science."

"So you get that kind of work done for nothing," the friend marveled.

The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."

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I am going to make you a helper, a companion

2011-09-13T11:01:00.000-04:00

The face behind the bear.

Okay, it is true. I like to stir the gals and guys a little. Enjoy this little bit of humor and remember it is all in fun! -Bear Truth

God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?"

Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."

God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"

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Wedding Question

2011-09-12T07:42:00.000-04:00

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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After the Sermon

2011-09-05T05:43:00.000-04:00

This is a fitting piece of humor for a Monday! Enjoy. -Bear Truth

After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!"

The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"

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K-5 Wisdom

2011-08-28T21:52:00.002-04:00

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. Psalms 8:2

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Atheist Attacks Preacher

2011-08-26T07:39:00.000-04:00

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?"

The preacher has no time to reply.

"Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

-The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” Psalms 14:1

Mere Christianity
By C.S. Lewis

Arguably the 20th century's most influential Christian writer, C.S. Lewis sought to explain and defend the beliefs that nearly all Christians at all times hold in common. His simple yet deeply profound classic, originally delivered as a series of radio broadcasts, is a book to be thoroughly digested by believers and generously shared with skeptics.

Women, Men, and Grammer

2011-08-21T22:38:00.003-04:00

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

      The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

      The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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Friendly Pastor

2011-08-20T08:18:00.001-04:00

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

Monday Smiles is part of the ministry of Net153.com that offers encouragement and inspiration for today's family.

May we suggest you check our Daily Wisdom Tidbits for short, point, and practical nuggets of wisdom for life.

College Entrance Exam: Football Player Edition

2011-08-19T08:08:00.001-04:00

We found this and could not decide if it was the real thing or not. We'll you decide.

---------

Test Time Limit: 3 weeks

YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions.

OR

Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) CATHOLIC
(c) Hindu
(d) Swedish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell - CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

May we suggest this great book:
777 Great Clean Jokes-A Sparkling Collection of Unsullied Humor
By Jennifer Hahn / Barbour Publishing

Hungry for some good, clean humor? Here's a veritable smorgasbord! You'll find 777 great clean jokes guaranteed to produce hours of grins, groans, and guffaws. There are jokes about all kinds of subjects from animals to sports and more!

The Politician Sandwich

2011-08-15T07:51:00.006-04:00

A prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

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Do You Know

2011-08-14T21:29:00.007-04:00

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No." replied the boy.

"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.

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Barking Dog

2011-08-14T19:30:00.001-04:00

April, Our Barking Dog! Read April Wants to Talk

One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."

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If you are a dog lover, you will enjoy reading this witty thought: Everything is going to be all right.

Finding Money for College

2011-08-13T07:26:00.000-04:00

A banker was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education.

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

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Student Proverbs

2011-08-12T08:06:00.000-04:00

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you..........mess it up.
Better be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ..............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before............daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but.......................how?
Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a...................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.........................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll..stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the...........................pigs.
An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's......................pollution.
Happy the bride who...................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...................................not much.
Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and..........................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind.........get out of the way.

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Dear Dad...

2011-08-07T22:03:00.019-04:00

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

      Love, Your $on.

      The Reply:

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
         Love, Dad

Who Are Those Men?

2011-08-06T04:53:00.002-04:00

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?

Sick Little Girl

2011-08-06T03:21:00.002-04:00

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

May we suggest this book for your enjoyment Best of the Good Clean Jokes

The Atheist Teacher

2011-07-31T21:36:00.003-04:00

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good. (Psalms 14:1)